Friday, February 03, 2006

Random thoughts from a Food Addict


Food has been my addiction substitute for a very long time. I come from a long line of alcoholics and drug addicts (maternal side) and as a child I watched them become mere shells of themselves and I swore that I would never do the same. That’s why prior to surgery I drank maybe twice a year (and I would usually be the designated driver) and drugs have never interested me. Now I can’t drink for a while and it doesn’t bother me one bit I could just leave it be. Now back on track. Since I was not going to be what I saw in the people I loved my addiction became food. I eat when an alcoholic drank and when a drug addict would use. It’s funny how you see these things only when you have been removed from the situation. While I was eating (until about a three years ago) I never would have thought that I was an addict. When I look back I can see clearly situations that showed my addiction.

Now that I am on soft foods I am paranoid. I for one don’t want to gain weight or sabotage my progress. I almost liked not eating much of anything at least I knew that I wasn’t going to gain weight that way. So now I sit here wondering if I should eat, feeling like I have made a pig of myself all day… The truth is I have only eaten one scrambled egg and then one boiled egg (I deviled it) I had a bite of potato salad but my tummy objected to that instantly. I have brought for lunch one half a pimento cheese sandwich and an orange that I peeled and cut up. I don’t plan (nor do I think I could) eat them at the same time. But I am not sure if I should eat after all I have eaten so much already today. It feels like I can eat a lot in one setting. Shouldn’t I only be able to eat half an egg? My biggest fear as I state so often is that I will stretch out my pouch and then be able to eat what ever. I am already having an issue as I feel like I can eat anything I want to. That scares me tremendously.

When I was pre-op I would often times talk myself into being hungry just so I could eat. I know that seems a little weird but as most of us I felt comfort in the eating process. I hated myself the entire time but I would still do it. I longed for that feeling of being over stuffed. It was my security blanket. Just as the fat that surrounds my body. As long as I carry this extra weight no one will hurt me because they wont come near me.

A lot lately I have found that I want to begin the cycle of convincing myself that I am hungry and it takes great force of will to reject those thoughts. By the grace of God I am able to over come these things and I don’t succumb to the food calling unless I am really physically hungry (which I judge by my stomach purring).

All I know is this war is quite difficult and I have to utilize my entire arsenal against it. God has enabled me to win the battles so far and I trust I will win the war.

I will break this chain so my children and their children have a better chance of living a normal life.

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Break the Chain
Posted by The Catapillar :: 1:48 AM :: 1 Comments:

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